An update, if you will. I guess I'll start at the begining of the end ;) or make that the begining of the begining.

Several months ago I came across an ex-boyfriends Facebook page. Ok, scratch that... I stalked his Facebook page trying to figure out if it was him or not, he had no profile picture or anything. I recognized some of the names on his friend list and I sent him a really brief message asking if he was who I thought he was. Now, let me tell you who I thought he was. When we were 15, way back when the internet was new and child preditors weren't hip to chatroom stalking kids yet, we randomly met in an AOL chat room. I did the whole age/sex/location business and asked if anyone wanted to chat. An instant message window popped up and my heart was about to be changed forever. We would chat for hours about anything, nothing and everything. We exchanged pictures and started talking on the phone. My new long distance boyfriend was 6 months my junior (and still never let's me forget I'm older) and a 6 foot 200 lb football playing hottie with a slight hint of a southern accent from Arkansas. We couldn't get enough of eachother. We would chat and talk every chance we got. Between school, homework, football practice, a two hour time difference and everything else we were up all hours of the night together learning every detail since it was all we had. In July of 2007 he talked his mom into coming to visit and we had an amazing weekend together. I remember it being so hard when he left and we had to say goodbye. He just stood there and held me and I cried. We were so young at the time I had no idea if we would ever see eachother again. At some point, and neither of us remembers exactly what happened, but we decided to just go on as friends, the distance was too much of a factor but by this time we had already been together a couple years. We made a pact that if We weren't in relationships when we were 25 we were finding eachother no matter what and we were going to be together. We kept in touch until we were 19, when he sent me an email and it was sent back to him as undeliverable. I had a boyfriend at the time and when we broke up I looked for him again with no luck. When I started dating the guy who would eventually be my ex-husband I started searching a little more frantically because I knew if I continued to date him it would be serious and I was inching closer to 25. Then myspace happened and I searched for him there, no luck again. I searched before I moved to AZ, before I got married... I had to know that he was out there and ok. I searched for him, innocently, a few times through out my marriage just out of curiosity. Turns out he found me on myspace and saw my new last name and didn't want to contact me. I think we always knew what would happen if we found eachother again and boy were we right. By the time I found him on Facebook I was already unhappy and wanted out but felt stuck. We started emailing to catch up and then we chatted one day via Facebook chat and the connection I felt with him so many years ago was back in an instant. I wanted to know every single detail of the 10 years we spent apart and I needed to see him. The husband and I were separating and he was coming to see me. We spent of some of the happiest days of my life together and I never wanted it to end. The good news is that this time we are old enough to make things happen and do what we want. I flew to Arkansas a little over a month later to visit and we had 6 more amazing days together. It's been less than two weeks since we've seen eachother and it feels like an eternity. In 8 days I will be flying into Tulsa where he will be waiting to pick me up. We will be driving to CA together, his new home. We never have to have another goodbye and our time together like a "real" couple can finally start. He has always loved me with this incredible intensity, I can feel it down to my bones. No one has ever loved me that same way, nor have I felt the same for anyone as I do for him, it's always been different... Special. It's always been so easy to love him, perfect, effortless. And now we finally have a real chance to make it work.


- N via iPhone

I know so many people are shocked about the news of my husband and I getting a divorce but trust, this was the best decision for us. We fell apart at the seams and saw sides of eachother we didn't know existed or thought we had grown out of. I won't go into the private details here but know that it wasn't pretty. I guess the truth is that we completely changed as people over the years and grew apart. It's better at this point to move on with our lives and not look back. We all deserve happiness and I refuse to be the exception to that rule just because it doesn't meet the expectations of others. Divorce is never the ideal situation and for a long time I never even considered it as an option but things happen and make you thankful that the option exists. This was my decision and I'm ok with it. I'm happy and moving forward with my life. I'm thankful for the good times and I learned valuble lesons in the bad that I will carry forward with me in the future.

The world is a strange, confusing, and sad place sometimes. It's amazing how God puts people or things in your life whether directly or indirectly to make an impact on you. It never ceases to amaze me how much we learn from one another about our selves. I have learned so much over the past few weeks about how much being a mother really truly means to me. I think it's one of those things that can be taken for granted at times for those of us who don't suffer from infertility or are faced with the loss of a child. There is one little girl about to lose her life to cancer and she means the world to me... I've never even met her. She's taught me to be a better mother, more patient and understanding. She's taught me not to take things for granted and appreciate folding a load of laundry ELEVENTYBILLION times because The Muffin thinks it's fun to grab things and run away. I want to snuggle her more cloesly and more often, I want to spend more meaningful time with her and less time at work. I cherish every smile, every "mean face", every squeal... everything. Her mother has taught me what strength is and what a true, unwaivering faith in GOD looks like. I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through but I do pray for their peace and their daughters comfort. Thank you for sharing your daughters story, she's touched so many.

A fabulous cup of coffee
A good conversation with a girlfriend
Ridiculously long hot baths
Snuggling up with a good book, glass of wine and my husband by my side
Each and every one of my eyeshadows
Craving something, eating it, and loving every moment
The quiet moments with my husband when we just look at eachother
Elle's pigtails
Laughing so hard you cry and then it hurts
Interpritave dance in the car with my sister
Tea in any form
The way you feel after Yoga
A few quiet minutes in the day to my self to just be
Hearing "that song" that makes you want to get up and dance
Making someone feel good about themself though make up
Hearing Elle laugh
Learning something new
Pictures

I've realized that lately I've been enjoying less of the little things in life and spending way too much time worrying and stressing about the bigger things in life that I can't control anyway. I'm not spending enough time doing any of the above things and I realized this last night when I was laughing so hard I was crying, and then it hurt and thinking to myself that it had been such a long time since I had laughed that hard. Then I couldn't even remember the last time I'd laughed so hard... and it made me sad. My goal for myself is to focus on the joy the little things bring me and make sure to really live and be in the present. You can't possibly enjoy these things when you are so worried about 5,10,15 minutes, days, weeks, months from now.

I've been asked so many times recently about having another child. I really don't know where I stand on this. In all honesty I was very, no wait... make that incredibly blessed, to have a healthy pregnancy and a relatively easy delivery along with perfection in the form of a daughter. Somewhere along the way I must have been traumatized in some way because a huge part of me is terrified of having another child. I remember everything clearly from the day I had Elle and you know how everyone says "you forget all about the pain right after you see the baby" blah blah blah? Well that didn't happen for me. What I remember is shaking to the very core of my soul and wondering if it would ever stop. Being stitched up for over 30 min, that's as long as I pushed. Pain so unbearable that I didn't think I could live through it and if I was living through it i would rather die. Recovery from said stitches and birthing a big ass baby that made me feel as if I were ripped in two for weeks and weeks. I'm still waiting for my memory to be erased. Don't get me wrong. I would do anything for my muffin and I wouldn't take it all back for the world... But asking me to do it again is another story.

My head is filled with what ifs and I am completely and totally consumed with the idea that we were so lucky with Elle, we couldn't possibly be that lucky again. I'm afraid that something will be "wrong" with my child. What if I have a boy and I dont know what to do? What if having another baby isn't a positive change for our family? How will I survive birthing another large baby? Pregnancy had it's way with my body the first time around, how much uglier will it make me the next time? Ok. I know some of those fears are selfish and irrational but they are still my thoughts and feelings and still completely horrify me, and they are just the ones I can think of right now. I know there are many MANY more.

I'm sure everyone thinks this about their kids but I'm going to say it anyway...

Elle is an absolute joy. She was a baby unlike any other I've met. Sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and up only once a night since we came home from the hospital. I could take her anywhere and she would nap through utter chaos. Never fussed except when she was hungry. I swear she slept 15 hours a day. She is really smart. Too smart. Never had separation anxiety. Never had sleeping issues. She's the happiest little girl I've ever known, even while sick and teething, she makes the best of everything. Everyone who meets her falls in love. She is just a doll.

I don't know how any other child I could possibly have could even compare to her. Is it weird that I fear my next child will be hell on wheels? How could I be so lucky twice?

I feel like the pressure is on to make a decision. It doesn't mean we need to try right away but it means I need to say yes or no. I'm totally torn between my fears and knowing my husband would love another child.

*sigh*

If only he could do the birthing next time.

Means a sick mommy too. I'm so happy the Muffin is feeling better and has energy again but it's so hard to keep up when you are JUST coming down with whatever they had. I always feel awful when I get sick after she's been sick, knowing how it was that she felt and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. At least we have medicine that takes away coughing and congestion. Poor kiddos! I feel like I've been non-stop for the past week or so and I'm thankful to have today off to rest and hopefully fight this thing off. Being sick is the last thing I need. To add to the stress our hours at work are still cut so if I am sick and miss a day I wont have enough hours to qualify us for health insurance next month. It's so frustrating! Then, just to pile a little more on, we have a HUGE event this weekend which means non stop go go go. I'm really just bitching and complaining a lot because it makes me feel better to bitch and complain when I feel awful.

On a more positive note, the new VIVA's launched and are a huge success! We are selling them like crazy and at our morning meeting on Monday, I was super happy to announce that we have gone from #8 to #2 in the region for VG sales and that is a HUGE increase. HUGE like, they have never seen a counter make such a huge move in such a short period of time. The counter that is #1 is ahead by a lot but I'm not letting it stop us. We have so much momentum going right now that I think we can close the gap significantly. I'm really proud of my team for making such huge strides. It's just so important to remember all of the amazing things that one lipstick or gloss can provide to a person in need. www.macaidsfund.org for more information

MAC Update then two full days off. I'm feeling energized, refreshed and inspired. I did a whole lot of being domestic the past couple days. Cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking and hanging out with the daughter child and of course the husband as well. Two consecutive days were much needed for both my family and myself. I'm looking forward to hitting the ground running when I go in tomorrow night. I'm hoping to have the opportunity to really speak on some of the things I learned Monday, I'm just so inspired by the collections that I can't wait to get working on some face charts for them and show them to my customers.

I did a bit of a blog overhaul the past two days as well. I really wanted to design it before I published it initially but I suppose it will always be a work in progress no matter what I do. If anyone can tell me why my font code only works on my side bar, it would be appreciated ;P I'm still learning and trying to educate myself because any of you who know me, know I need another hobby like a hole in the head. I suppose that the more interesting I make this the more I will come back and want to post and work with it. So far, so good. I usually never make it past a week and look at me go!