I've been asked so many times recently about having another child. I really don't know where I stand on this. In all honesty I was very, no wait... make that incredibly blessed, to have a healthy pregnancy and a relatively easy delivery along with perfection in the form of a daughter. Somewhere along the way I must have been traumatized in some way because a huge part of me is terrified of having another child. I remember everything clearly from the day I had Elle and you know how everyone says "you forget all about the pain right after you see the baby" blah blah blah? Well that didn't happen for me. What I remember is shaking to the very core of my soul and wondering if it would ever stop. Being stitched up for over 30 min, that's as long as I pushed. Pain so unbearable that I didn't think I could live through it and if I was living through it i would rather die. Recovery from said stitches and birthing a big ass baby that made me feel as if I were ripped in two for weeks and weeks. I'm still waiting for my memory to be erased. Don't get me wrong. I would do anything for my muffin and I wouldn't take it all back for the world... But asking me to do it again is another story.

My head is filled with what ifs and I am completely and totally consumed with the idea that we were so lucky with Elle, we couldn't possibly be that lucky again. I'm afraid that something will be "wrong" with my child. What if I have a boy and I dont know what to do? What if having another baby isn't a positive change for our family? How will I survive birthing another large baby? Pregnancy had it's way with my body the first time around, how much uglier will it make me the next time? Ok. I know some of those fears are selfish and irrational but they are still my thoughts and feelings and still completely horrify me, and they are just the ones I can think of right now. I know there are many MANY more.

I'm sure everyone thinks this about their kids but I'm going to say it anyway...

Elle is an absolute joy. She was a baby unlike any other I've met. Sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and up only once a night since we came home from the hospital. I could take her anywhere and she would nap through utter chaos. Never fussed except when she was hungry. I swear she slept 15 hours a day. She is really smart. Too smart. Never had separation anxiety. Never had sleeping issues. She's the happiest little girl I've ever known, even while sick and teething, she makes the best of everything. Everyone who meets her falls in love. She is just a doll.

I don't know how any other child I could possibly have could even compare to her. Is it weird that I fear my next child will be hell on wheels? How could I be so lucky twice?

I feel like the pressure is on to make a decision. It doesn't mean we need to try right away but it means I need to say yes or no. I'm totally torn between my fears and knowing my husband would love another child.

*sigh*

If only he could do the birthing next time.